I can’t believe it’s been since the end of April that I posted. I guess I’ve been in denial and keeping myself busy so I didn’t have to think about this place or my problems.
I’m doing okay. not great, but okay. I seem to have undone the damage I did to myself. I have a feeling that the beast was getting very close to the surface and I had to do whatever it took to keep him at peace. For the past six weeks I’ve been up and down by a pound or two — finally gaining almost 3 pounds as of two weeks ago.
You know what’s funny? Well, funny sad, not funny ha-ha — when I knew that I was going to miss my ww meeting I took that as an open invitation to EAT. It’s not that I went on a bender and ate pints of ice cream, but I stopped caring. I’d take a bite or a taste or eat potatoes and then frozen yogurt and I didn’t feel this sense of dread that I was going to pay for it in a matter of days.
But after I missed that meeting (I had a dentist appt) I began to feel like crap. I am so close to 30 pounds it’s not funny, in fact I only have 1.4 lbs to go. I want to much to hit that mark and yet I still eat with disregard for myself.
It’s still like there are two me’s – one who is dedicated, determined and the other who just doesn’t care. But I do care. I want to have a sense of accomplishment about this. I want to know that I did it. Because I have a feeling that if I do this, then I can do anything.
So once again, I’m recommitted. Wish me luck.
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