I’m struggling here. Over the past five months I’ve lost almost 30 lbs. But for the past six weeks I’ve struggled, well really I’ve struggled for my entire life…from the age of 8 on up. I start to feel bad but then try to remember that I’m at least going the right direction, if you discount the half of a pound that I gained on Saturday.
Through all these minor ups and downs something very interesting is happening. My entire body is getting smaller. My rings and bracelets are loose. The funniest thing, though, is my feet. When I was younger, maybe in my twenties, I wore around a size 7 shoe. As I got bigger, my size changed to a 7.5 and then an 8. I went to Nordstrom yesterday because I really needed some nice flats. They were having a great sale. I found some adorable brown flats and fell in love, as in love you can get with a pair of shoes. The very nice salesperson said they were out of 8’s, did I want to try a 7 ½. Well all right, but I know I’m an 8. Out she came with the box. I hesitantly put one of the shoes on, at this time I actually herd the trumpets and angels sing — it fit. I put the other one on and I was walking, walking in a pair of shoes a full half size smaller than my normal size. Oh my Gawd, I lost weight in my feet. I’ve had to give some of my “fat” clothes away, did this mean that I would have to start buying smaller shoes? One can only hope.
Excuse me while I veer off course here. When I go out and see fat people I notice more when they are messy, dirty or just slightly unkempt. I don’t really notice it when someone that’s thin or of average size is dirty. I’m a fatist. If someone that’s of normal size looks dirty I don’t judge them like I do fat people. When you’re fat you have to take more care with yourself. If I see a woman who’s a size 8 and she’s got a little smudge on her shirt I think, she was probably working hard. When I see a fat person with the same smudge, I think they’re dirty. It’s wrong I know. But believe me, I’ not the only person who notices this. I actually get sad when I see a fat woman who doesn’t take care of herself. I think it’s an extension of her feelings of self-worthlessness. I have felt that I don’t deserve a healthy lifestyle; she or he has gone past that point and thought they don’t deserve to care for themselves, after all, who cares, certainly not themselves.
When I was young and my parents were absent I pretty much had to raise myself. I remember so clearly that my older sister (who’s six years older than I am) telling me that I looked like shit because my shirt was wrinkled, but honestly, I was probably 12 and didn’t know how to iron. I don’t know how many 12 year olds know how to iron, but in my neighborhood and school, none of us did. We were at a place and a time where mothers were home taking care of their kids. Although my mother was home, emotionally she was very much absent. My father left and took a part of her with him. So there I was 10 12 14 not knowing really how to do laundry or take care of myself. I don’t know what changed, some of it probably had to do with my sister making that comment. I so wanted her approval. When I was 12 she was 18 and had left the home – well my father threw her out but that’s another story for another day.
Anyway yesterday when I went to my ww meeting there was a woman who was probably as big as me – she wore sandals and her feet were to be honest, disgusting. Long, dirty toenails. Her hair was an oily mess. I felt slightly grossed out and more than sorry for her. I wanted to grab her dirty hand and tell her she was worth it. It’s almost like that show “hoarders” only the thing that they let go and don’t appreciate is themselves. How many women are out there like that that who don’t ever go outside? Too many to count, I think.
So now I’m going shopping… But as I do my errands and shopping, I’m doing them in my new size 7 ½ shoes. New cute adorable shoes. Freshly showered, hair blown dried, nails done and feet pedicured…why? Because I am worth it, as you are, dear reader.
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